=><=
Toilet Quest:
"In Which a Goblin Has An Adventure On the Way to the Bathroom."
By J.C. Gregory
[[Click Here to Start|Prologue]]
(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))
{PROLOGUE . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)<p>*Things in the [[Land of Mournia]] are not going great. The dragons are running amok. The Ogres have decided to dip their toes into organized crime. The Midnight Queen has disappeared across the Bitter Sea with her Berserker Army, which everyone can agree is cause for concern.
<p>On top of that, the White King found the Scepter of Tartarus and has assembled the [[Three Armies]] and set out to conquer the entire continent.
<p>In a last ditch effort to save the Goblin Badlands, the [[Goblins->GOBLINS]] put aside their differences and 13 Goblin Hordes united with the peoples of Mournia against the evil king.
<p>So now the Horde, five million Goblins strong, marches to meet the armies of the White King...</p>*
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Prologue Continued]]
]
*<p>… where they're totally going to get their heads chopped off.
<p>But there's a solid chance the issue will resolve itself by the time the Goblin Horde gets there.
<p>You see, it's not really your problem. That's for the guys at the front of the Horde to deal with.
<p>You're an apprentice torch maker named [[V’Largh D’Hargh]] and you're at the rear of the Goblin Horde having an existential crisis…*
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Torch Makers Tent]]
*(text-style:"bold")[V'LARGH D'HARGH BIO]*
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Appearance:]
This is you. You should know this stuff. In case you don't, you stand just short of six feet tall. You have black hair, black eyes, and a bony nose with lots of bumps on it. You have pointy ears. Your jagged teeth can (and have!) open a tin can in a pinch.
All that is to say that you're handsome as far as Goblins go, which is not that handsome as far as everyone else goes.
Your name is pronounced like an old man clearing his throat.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Career:]
Apprentice Torch Maker, party machine, hot sauce eating champion!
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Darkest Secret:]
In your spare time you write a series of detective novels *S'PEED H'ANDSOMEFACE: GOBLIN DETECTIVE.* The series revolves around S'peed H'andsomeface who solves mysteries throughout the Land of Mournia. The novels usually involve a very forthcoming Elf Princess/Prince with long legs and even longer hair who has a thing for Goblins and crimes.
You have yet to let anyone read these novels.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Loves:]
Getting out of work, not getting stabbed by the White King's armies
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Hates:]
Working, being confused for an Orc, getting stabbed by the White King's armies
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Prologue Continued]]
(text-style:"bold")[*THE LAND OF MOURNIA*]
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[HISTORY:]
The Land of Mournia (officially the Commonwealth of Mournia) is the third largest continent on the planet, behind two other continents that are not worth mentioning in this article. They'll get theirs soon enough.
The history of Mournia is fuzzy and usually told by drunken liars, so finding accurate historical records is a challenge.
The point is, the Land of Mournia exists and that's all you really need to know.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[NATURAL CHARACTERISTICS:]
Born from the fires of the great Magmus Basalticus, the Land of Mournia raised from the sea during the First Age of Jimbo the Great. The continent is bordered by the Four Seas: the Bitter Sea to the north, the Angry Sea to the west, the Seething Sea to the other west, and the Disappointed Sea to the south.
The Land of Mournia is known for its vast deserts, infinite forests, mostly bottomless pits, and jagged peaks, which makes it the ideal destination for extreme athletes and adventurers of all stripes.
Extreme athletes and adventurers are known to leave Mournia without their wallets/limbs.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[DEMOGRAPHICS:]
The Land of Mournia is home to Trolls, Goblins (including Orcs), Humans, Wizards, Chimeras, Dragons, Mega-Dragons, Undead Lich Lords, Mega-Zombies, Slow Zombies (aka Slowbies), Fast Zombies (aka Speebies), Elves (all varieties), Faeries, Fairies, Pixies, The Pixies (band), among others.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[CULTURE:]
They just got a Trader Joe's.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Prologue]]
(text-style:"bold")[*THE GOBLIN HORDE HOT SAUCE EATING CONTEST*]
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[HISTORY:]
Originally conceived as a test of strength among Goblin fighters to prove their internal toughness. To stem the tide of dead soldiers, the Horde Hot Sauce Eating Contest was opened to all members of the Horde.
The Hot Sauce, usually a toxic combination of fermented Reaper Beetles combined with vinegar, salt, and toxic peppers that can only be found in the lowest caves of the Goblin Badlands, has been known to cause blindness, hallucinations, even death.
The participants are each given a small shot glass, in which the hot sauce is poured. They take shots every minute on the minute (EMOM) until there is no one left. The one who took the most shots and has their name engraved on the Hot Sauce Eating Championship Belt.
The contest has been held nearly every year since the Second Reign of Jimbo the Great.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[NOTABLE WINNERS:]
-G'Erald V'on M'Urder, an actuary in the Goblin Insurance guild, drank an impressive 1,298 units
-The F'It'z, famous berserker fighter during the Second Reign of Jimbo the Great, drank 1,022 units
-V'Largh D'Hargh, Assistant Torch Maker, drank 988 units
-S'Mooch C'Hooch, Chief Assassin to the Goblin Lords, drank 987 units
-S'Uz M'Csnooze, Demolitions Expert, drank 899.5 units
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[NOTABLE DEATHS:]
-G'Erald V'on M'Urder, cause of death: his bones caught fire
-The F'It'z, cause of death: Axe to the head - The Troll/Goblin War broke out mid contest
~~-V'Lharg D'Hargh, cause of death: fatal stomach ulcer and diarrhea explosion ~~
-S'Mooch C'Hooch, cause of death: her teeth melted
-S'Uz M'Csnooze, cause of death: colon revolt
-M'arz B'Har, cause of death: she exploded when she came within 5 feet of the hot sauce, she became the first hot sauce adjacent fatality
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Torch Makers Tent]]
<p>“...you've got the malaise from that poison you drank last night,” says S’Norch. "I almost went to the infirmary."
<p>"Because you were worried about me?"
<p>"You smell like a corpse," she says. "I can't believe you're still alive."
<p>You don't have the heart to tell her you were technically dead for fifteen minutes last night. All you remember are brief [[flashbacks->Underworld Flashbacks]].
<p>You take a bottle of hot sauce out of your pocket and wave it at her. “They gave me complimentary bottle, want some? It's got Reaper Beetles in it."
<p>“No idiot, that stuff will eat through iron,” she says.
<p>There's a gurgle in your stomach as your gastrointestinal system does battle with the hot sauce. Your stomach is untrustworthy.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->V’Largh has to take a shit]]]
(text-style:"bold")[*S'NORCH GIZZURC'H*]
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Appearance:]
She stands well over six feet tall. Her physique is best described as thin and bony. She has a nose that takes a couple of right turns down her face. Her tusks are polished and sharp. She wears her long hair in a variety of braids.
Many Goblins in the Horde are in love with her but are too afraid to say so on account that she's been known to rip out the internal organs of her enemies.
Her name is pronounced like someone holding in a sneeze.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Career:]
Owner/Operator Sir-Torch-a-Lot Torch Making Company, the most popular torch making company in the Goblin Horde.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Darkest Secret:]
She is proud to a fault and once killed and dismembered a deer because it saw her apologizing to a tree before chopping it down. Then she killed and dismembered a Troll that saw her kill the deer. Then she killed and dismembered a Giant who saw her kill the Troll. Then she killed and dismembered an entire human regiment that saw her kill the Giant. And so on.
Her reign of terror was finally stopped when she received a commendation from the Department of Unnecessary Violence.
She also secretly loves making little cute outfits for forest animals she meets on her adventures.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Loves:]
Having the most popular Torch making company in all of Mournia.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Hates:]
She hates F'Lint, S'Teel and S'Park, the owners of *F'Lint, S'Teel & S'Park Torches* - rival torch makers who sell the second most popular torches in the Horde. She will not rest until they're all six feet in the ground. She has never seen them and does not know what they look like.
She also hates being told what to do and/or taking orders. She’s been court marshaled more than once for breaking the nose/spine of her commanding officer.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Torch Makers Tent]]
<p>“The Horde is waking up and we have to get to work,” she says. “I need the [[Flame-O-Tron 9000]] prototype finished by the time we get to the Land of the White King.”
<p>In order to become the most popular Torch Maker in the Horde, S'Norch has had to constantly invent new types of torches. The Flame-O-Tron 9000 is S’Norch’s newest design. It's also the most dangerous and put three other Assistant Torch Makers in the hospital.
<p>“I don’t want to do that,” you say, looking at the contraption sideways.
<p>“Fine, sort out those Cave 5000's,” she says, pointing to a pile of freshly soaked and wrapped torches. "They're not lighting right."
<p>Your stomach gurgles again, this time it's a more aggressive gurgle.
<p>Things are going to get weird around here real fast if you don’t take care of it. You mention this to S’Norch.
<p>“What do you mean you’re going to crap your pants?” she says, picking up a pile of torches. “Just do what everyone else does and go as you march.”
<p>This catches you off guard, "Sorry, everyone does what now?"
<p>"Seriously?" she says, "What, you think we've been walking in mud this whole time?"
<p>This is disgusting news.
---
<p>You can: [Look seriously grossed out, because gross]<c1|
<p>You can: [Look excited about this previously unknown poop freedom]<c2|
<p>You can: [Remain neutral faced, nothing can phase you]<c3|
{
[]<c5|
(click: ?c1)[(replace:?c5)[<p>“Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s disgusting. Goblins are disgusting creatures,” says S’Norch dismissively.]]
(click: ?c2)[(replace:?c5)
[<p>“Take it easy, weirdo," she says. Then she adds, "Bro, you're a little TOO stoked about this, maybe you *should* try and find an outhouse or something.” ]]
(click: ?c3)[(replace:?c5)
[<p>"Wow. Nothing. I’m writing this down in my calendar, ‘The day V’Largh D’Hargh the Goblin that never shuts up finally shut up,’" she says with a mocking tone. Her barbs are hurtful.]]}
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Missing Goblins]]
"Look, we're all worried about and/or looking forward to the day when the Elder Gods of the Nightrealms turn the sun black and reanimate the dead.
When that day comes, you and your plucky band of survivors/worshipers are going to need a torch that you can trust. We at the Sir-Lights-a-Lot Torch Company have designed a torch with you in mind.
We'd like to introduce the FLAME-O-TRON 9000!
The FLAME-O-TRON 9000 is the most cutting edge torch in the Land of Mournia. We've turned the handle into a fuel reservoir to ensure maximum durability. And by utilizing our "Light Once" technology - it's guaranteed to get lit and STAY lit.
And, when the situation calls for it, turn up the flame to MAXIMUM TORCH and burn your enemies to a crisp where they stand.
Remember, when the sun lets you down, choose Sir-Lights-a-Lot Brand Torches!"
{(align:"==>")[-From an ad in *Adventurers Weekly*]
(align:"==>")[[[Return to Story->V’Largh has to take a shit]]]}
<p>You try and decide what to do. You realize that you don't want any witnesses to whatever happens next and say, “My bodily functions require privacy.”
<p>"Don't let the Poop Police arrest you for desertion,” says S’Norch, wrapping a few torches. "I don't have the capacity to hire and train a new assistant."
<p>Desertion is a real issue for the Goblin Horde. Oh sure, everyone starts out enthusiastic about going to war, but that enthusiasm wanes once reality sets in. Everyone loves an adventure on the first day, but two weeks later they want to jump off a cliff.
<p>That’s when Goblins start going on side quests and "accidentally" end up back home.
<p>To combat this, the Goblin Lords hired mercenaries to round up any AWOL Goblins. The deserters are shipped to the nearest Goblin outpost to stand trial (100% guilty rate!) and then send off to the Northern Ice Floes to let nature take its course.
<p>“Look, I’m sure they’ll understand that this is an emergency, they are reasonable Goblins” you say knowing it's not true. “Besides, their hands are full looking for the [[B’Lurp Brothers]].”
<p>Oops.
<p>“What happened to the B’Lurp Brothers?” she says, her eyes full of rage. “Those smooth brains still owe us for a load of [[forest torches->Forest Explorer 300 Model]]. I knew they were going to rip us off."
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Wizard Rumor]]
*(text-style:"bold")[THE B'LURP BROTHERS]*
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Appearance:]
The B'Lurp Brothers - G'Herry, L'Herry, and B'Herry - are all average height for Goblins. Meaning they stand about six and a half feet tall and weigh close to three hundred pounds. Their faces are shaped like boot soles. Their noses are flat and broken. Their teeth have not been sharpened in weeks.
Their hair is Goblin black, with the exception of L'Herry, who dies his blonde.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Career:]
Charlatans, thieves and con artists, in that order.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Darkest Secret:]
They're not actually related to each other.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Aliases:]
A few of their well known aliases:
The B'Lurpie Bois, The Humdrum Hangers, The 15th Avenue Tough Guys, Captain Spritz and the Spritztones, The Gobo-Gobo Bad Guys, The Department of Unnecessary Violence, F'Lint, S'Teele & S'Park
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Loves:]
Making a buck without doing anything, ripping off rubes. Buying torches from the Sir Torch-a-Lot Torch Making Company and reselling them under the name "F'Lint, S'Teele & S'Park Torches".
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Hates:]
A hard days work.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Missing Goblins]]
"Are YOU the most level headed member in your band of plucky explorers?
Has the local constabulary hired you to find out what's haunting the local forest?
Can't see in the dark as well as you used to?
Worried that the local-yocals will run you out of town if you can't see trails, miss clues, or walk past ancient artifacts just because forests are too dang dark these days?
Good news, adventurer! We at the Sir-Lights-a-Lot Torch Company have a torch with you in mind - the new FOREST EXPLORER 300 - packing a whopping 300 Lumens! That's right! THREE HUNDRED LUMENS!
Find the nearest authorized Sir-Lights-a-Lot Torch Company dealership and ask about the FOREST EXPLORER 300 today!
And remember, when the sun has let you down, choose Sir-Lights-a-Lot Brand Torches! Guaranteed to stay lit as long as the plot demands it!"
{(align:"==>")[-From an ad placed in the Mournia Nighttime Gazette]
(align:"==>")[[[Return to Story->Missing Goblins]]]}<p>You don't remember very much about the Hot Sauce Eating Contest. But you're pretty sure that you exploded and went to the Underworld. Well, not the Underworld *exactly*, it was like the administrative offices of the Underworld, which wasn't a thing you'd thought about until now.
<p>You expected to see your ancestors as they welcome you to [[Gobhalla]]. Instead you saw an office building.
<p>The office was gray and drab and full of cubicles. Inside, strange creatures aggressively typed at typing machines.
<p>Someone made you sign something. You can't remember what.
<p>No one was happy except for a man shaped creature with vague features who introduced himself to you. He said that you were now "exempt," whatever that means, and that he was "thrilled to see where this goes."
<p>It was all very confusing and probably a sign that you had hot sauce poisoning.
<p>You've chosen the bury these memories deep and never talk and/or think about them again.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Malaise]] <p>You're probably fine. As you try and talk yourself out of your health anxiety, your stomach starts aggressively churning.
<p>Something might really be wrong. You should have listened to your gut (Ha! Hilarious).
<p>A sharp pain strikes your abdomen. The hot sauce has found a weakness in your stomach lining and has begun to exploit it.
<p>You double over in pain, "GAAAH Ow!!"
<p>Seconds later and you're on the floor crying for your mom. Your brain searches for a solution, but a searing, burning pain from your guts interrupts each thought.
<p>"Oh no!"
<p>There's a sizzling sound followed by a tearing sound followed by a splashing sound. Suddenly parts of your body that are usually on the inside are on the outside. The hot sauce burned through your Goblin hide, spilling your insides all over the tent floor.
<p>Everything goes dark as the tent fills up with smoke.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Underworld-Hotsauce]]]<p>You poke your head out of the tent. You see Goblins packing up their tents and gear. Goblins, crazy with the look of war, fold their nightshirts and stuff them into their rucksacks. S'Norch bumps into you as she wheels the Torch Cart into the Horde.
<P>"Good luck V," she says. "Meet me back at the tent if you don't get executed for desertion."
<P>"If I don't crap my pants first," you say with your stomach grumbling.
<p>S'Norch disappears into the Horde shouting, "Torches for sale! Torches for sale!"
<p>The plan goes like this: Part 1) Ditch the Horde and run into Oxtail Forest, Part 2) Find somewhere to go to the bathroom in peace, Part 3) Sneak back into the Horde and never mention it again.
<p>You take a deep breath. You're a Goblin on a mission.
<p>You make a run for it.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Sneak away and go find the bathroom cont]]]
<p>It's ten feet into Oxtail Forest before you hear a noise that fills you with dread.
<p>"That didn't take long," you say.
<p>There's something is in the forest with you. Which makes sense on a certain level, it’s a forest – of course there are things in it. But there's something about that sound, something that you can't quite place.
<p>You hear it again.
<p>“Chirp-cheep!” it says.
<p>What was that?
<p>It was the last noise that you want to hear when you're looking for a place to go to the bathroom in a spooky forest.
<p>You vomit in fear.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Did you get away 2]]
<p>“Okay you skinless pipsqueaks,” you say with sudden, undiscovered bravery. You crack your knuckles and put your dukes up. "Let's do this."
<p>“CHIRP-CHEEP!” says the Chirp Cheep you’ve determined to be the leader. It’s got an awful lot of little tiny teeth in it’s very big mouth.
<p>It’s fine. You’ve got this. Stay focused. Your fighting stance is awesome.
<p>The leader of the Chirp Cheeps leaps! Its little body can really jump. It's at shoulder level, it's mouth open wide. Everything moves in slow motion. Are the teeth moving in there? Stay focused.
<p>"CHIIIIIIRRRRRPPPP--" it says.
<p>You swing and nail the little bastard square in the face. You sent it flying ten yards deeper into the forest.
<p>“Heck yeah,” you say. Then to the rest of them, “Let’s go you little sons-of-belches!” This is a devastating burn.
<p>At this point in the exchange that you realize that you didn’t punch the leader. You punched the decoy.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Decoy]]]
<p>You've made the right choice and you're totally owning it. Running away from danger has never looked so cool. You’re jumping over logs and ducking under branches. This is the fastest you've ever run in your life. You’re a Goblin powered by toxic farts and nothing can stop you.
<p>Behind you, you can hear the “Chirp cheep!” of the Chirp Cheeps. Their tiny legs can’t keep up.
<p>“Eat my farts, Chirp Creeps!” you shout over your shoulder. (Ha! Got 'em!)
<p>Suddenly, your legs come to a skidding stop. There, not twenty yards ahead of you is what you've been looking for - an outhouse.
<p>It’s also the jankiest outhouse you’ve ever seen in your life. It's made from metal sheets and glowing. There aren't any other buildings around it, but you choose not to ask questions about that right now.
<p>Your stomach gurgles. You wonder what a random outhouse is doing in the middle of the woods, but beggars can't be choosers and you're running out of options.
You can: [[Keep running, the outhouse is a trap]]
You can: [[Use the Outhouse, deal with the consequences later]]
<p>You look at your legs. The little sons-of-biscuits are climbing up your pants. They're taking bites out of you as they go. Now there are hundreds of them, climbing over each other to get to you.
<p>"CHIRP-CHEEP! CHIRPCHEEP!" they scream.
<p>"Hey! Guys! Ow! Quit it!" you say.
<p>They’re not just biting you, they’re eating you!
<p>You've been overpowered! Your legs buckle under you. You've never seen your leg bones before; they're not as white as you thought they'd be.
<p>Before you enter the nothingness of death, you swear you can hear the Chirp Cheeps laughing at you.
<p>Rude.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Welcome to the Underworld]]]
{WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD! (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>You are dead.
<p>Not only that, but you’re sitting in a cubicle in the admissions office of the Underworld. The office is busy with excitement. You hear the sounds of telephones ringing in the distance. You're not sure how you know what a 'telephone' is, but now is not the time for questions like that.
<p>Across from you is a [[cluttered desk]] with an empty chair behind it. Photos line the walls. This feels familiar yet strange at the same time.
<p>Right on cue, a harried demon storms into the cubicle carrying a stack of paperwork. The demon is man shaped and dressed in a black suit. He has a vague face that you can't really nail down, but you're pretty sure his skin is the color of blood and he has two small horns growing out of his forehead.
<p>“Oh, Mr. Hot Sauce - that's what we call you - you’re back!” says Vague Face, the demon, squinting at a name printed on the folder in his hand.
<p>“V’Largh D’Hargh, yes,” you say, clearing your throat. “Hey, where am I?”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Admissions]]]
]<p>“Oh you’re in the Underworld, darling!” says the demon sitting at the desk. “Specifically you’re in Admissions Department. All the deceased peoples of Mournia come through here on their way to the afterlife that suits their belief system.”
<p>“Cool,” you say. “So, wait, I’m dead?”
<p>“Deader than a doornail!" he says, smiling a mouth of sharpened teeth at you. He leans over the desk and whispers, "According to your file you love elves. Well, you’re in luck! We have a royal family of Forest Elves of the Everwood in the office. Between you and me, a bunch of them ate poisoned bread at a wedding. We’re calling it the ‘Bread Wedding’. Isn’t that fun?”
<p>“Wow,” you say, casually trying to crook your neck to see if any Elf Princesses are in the group. This weird demon guy gets you.
<p>“They are an attractive bunch,” said the Demon in a stage whisper. “I’m not supposed to say that, but look at them! Gorge! Anyway, back to you, you green so-and-so!”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Death Exemption]]]
<p>The demon opens the folder and begins to read, he says, "Umm-hmm, umm-hmm..."
<p>He closes the folder with a snap and gives you a smile. It’s not a happy smile. It’s the kind of smile you get just before your girlfriend tells you she's leaving you for an Orc Berserker.
<p>“It looks like you have a Death Exemption!” he says, his face erupting into a large, toothy smile. His teeth have all been freshly filed into points. “Isn’t this just wonderful? Can you believe it, Elves and a Death Exemption in the same day!”
<p>“An exemption? What does that mean?” you say. Then you lean in a whisper, "Does that mean I'm immortal? Is that why I'm alive after eating all that hot sauce?"
<p>“Honestly Mr. D'Hargh, I have no idea what it means! But there's more!” He reaches into the folder and produces a note. “Looks like there’s a message for you. This is quite unorthodox and I’m very excited to be apart of it.”
<p>He’s absolutely giddy with excitement.
You can: [[Read the Note]]
{ITEMS ON DESK INCLUDE
* Photos of a demon and his family on vacation near a volcano.
* A reference book titled *What Happens When You Fall Into a Volcano*
* A ceramic mug that's been decorated by a child with the words "Greatestest Dad" sloppily painted on it.
* A life insurance policy
* A human nose }
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Welcome to the Underworld]] {THE MYSTERIOUS NOTE . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
*Dear Mr. D’Hargh,
You’re your own worst enemy. Maybe this time you should try the fleeing your face off option?
Hugs n' cuds,
The Demons of the Underworld*
---
When you close the note, everything disappears in a flash of white light.
"Hey, wha--"
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Flee Your Face Off1]]]
]
<p>“Nope,” you say to yourself. Your stomach gurgles in protest. You have to keep moving or else everything that's on your insides will be on your outside and ruin your battle trousers.
<p>"CHIRP-CHEEP!"
<p>Ugh, those guys are behind you. You keep jumping and leaping through the forest. You don't want to admit it, but you're having the time of your life.
<p>At least you are until you reach the top of a hill and spot a Desertion Squad rounding up other Goblins in the small grassy opening below.
<p>“Oh no, it's the poop cops!” you say just a little bit louder than you meant to.
<p>The mercenaries turn and before you know it, they're manhandling you and throwing you in chains.
<p>"Unhand me, poop cops!" you shout as they lug you down the hill with the rest of the deserters.
<p>You can't help but feel that they punched you in the nose more times than was necessary.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Make A Deal?]]
<p>The strange outhouse is five feet in front of you. A bright blue-white light beams from between the door seams. The outhouse appears to be smoking.
<p>In the distance you hear an Elk having a run-in with the Chirp Cheeps. The Chirp Cheeps sound happy. The Elk does not.
<p>That problem solved itself, you think. Anyway, back to the problem at hand: this outhouse is a concern, but then so is the toxic sludge working through your intestines.
<p>You do some mental gymnastics to conclude that a glowing and smoking are normal things for an outhouse to do.
<p>Your stomach gurgles and grumbles. It’s time. You take a deep breath to steel yourself against what is going to happen next.
<p>With trepidation, you unlatch the door and step through.
---
You can: [[Use the Outhouse->Finished Using the Outhouse]]
{OXTAIL FOREST . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>For some reason you're back in Oxtail Forest. You don’t have time to process what just happened because you're running through Oxtail Forest as fast as you can. You’re jumping over logs and ducking under branches.
<p>Behind you, you can hear the “Chirp cheep!” of the Chirp Cheeps. Well, now you don't have to worry whether the Chirp Cheeps are still in this scene or not.
<p>“Ugh, these guys," you say. Then with your head over your shoulder you shout, "Eat farts, Chirp Creeps!”
<p>Suddenly, you come to a skidding stop. There, not twenty yards ahead of you is what you've been looking for - an outhouse.
<p>It’s the jankiest outhouse you’ve ever seen in your life.
<p>You immediately have questions: Why is a random outhouse sitting by itself in the middle of the Oxtail Forest? And why is it made out of metal sheets and glowing? Is it actually an outhouse or is wishful thinking? Shouldn't you still be fleeing from the monsters on your tail? This is how Goblins get eaten.
<p>Your stomach gurgles. "Shut up," you tell it.
<p>You can hear the Chirp Cheeps screaming as they gain on you.
You can: [[Keep running, the outhouse is a trap]]
You can: [[Use the Outhouse, deal with the consequences later]]
]{OXTAIL FOREST - RAVINE (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>“Wait, guys, this is a misunderstanding,” you plead. You’re on your knees with your hands tied behind you. You whisper, “I was looking for a place to, you know, go number two.”
<p>The mercenary, a large Goblin using a plank of medical grade wood as an eye patch, grabs you by the scruff of the neck. This may come as a surprise, but he smells bad.
<p>The large Goblin turns to the rest of the mercenaries and shouts, “Good news, boys! We found the one deserter who wasn’t desertin’! He was just lookin' for a place to crap!” he shouts as if you're the biggest idiot in the Land of Mournia. You see his name stitched into his shirt, [[Captain Rusk|Captain Rusk Bio]].
<p>“I saw an outhouse a half mile back,” says one of the other apprehended deserters, a weasel of a Goblin you named Dead Meat. You give Dead Meat the stinkiest of stink eyes.
<p>“Me too!” said one of the mercenaries.
<p>All these guys are jerks.
<p>"You're going to love your trial," says Captain Rusk. You wish you loved anything as much as Captain Rusk loves his job. "You'll be doin' a lot o' poopin'."
<p>He punches you in the face again.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Trial]]]
]
*(text-style:"bold")[CAPTAIN RUSK]*
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Appearance:]
Captain Rusk is a Goblin who has seen some things.
His one good eye is world weary and suspicious. A wooden plank that's held in place by a nail covers his bad eye. No one has seen what's left of the eye under the plank, the legend is that it's home to a mystical creature escaped from the Nightrealms.
His body is a tapestry of scars and seeping wounds. His hair is long and stringy. His remaining teeth are broken and crooked.
In other words, he's gorgeous and has many children.
His name is pronounced like 'Rust' but with a 'k'.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Career:]
Currently a soldier for hire rounding up cowards. He and his squad have a reputation for being the blood thirstiest and meanest in the business.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Darkest Secret:]
He's actually a deserter posing as a member of the Desertion Squad. In fact, his whole gang are deserters who got caught and turned the tables on their captors. Now they round up other deserters to keep the real Desertion Squads off their backs.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Loves:]
His only friend, the mystical creature that lives under the plank in his eye socket.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[Hates:]
Knowing that if the creature trapped in his eye socket ends up in the wrong hands, it can open the door to the Nightrealms and usher in the Age of the Elder Gods, the sun will turn black and the dead shall wage the final war on the living.
He also hates mushrooms.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Make A Deal?]]
{GOBLIN BADLANDS . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>You’re loaded up into a cage that has been bolted to the back of a wagon. The wagon is hauled away from the Horde and back to the Goblin Badlands. The road is bumpy and hot.
<p> “Guys, you're making a huge mistake,” you plead through the bars. “I wasn’t deserting, I was just looking for a proper toilet. You know? Does a Goblin crap in the woods? Beats me, because I don't!”
<p>“Shut up,” says one of the mercenaries before hitting the cage. “Deserters no talk!”
<p>The wagon rolls through the gates and you get a look at Outpost #37. Outpost #37 has a reputation among the Goblins. The Magistrate rules with an iron fist.
<p>It’s a small outpost on the edge of the Goblin Badlands, and it’s a nightmare. The Goblins here are all skin and bones, like they haven't eaten in weeks. Their hides have started to turn gray. As the wagon passes, you see that they're wearing heavy chains around their necks, hands, and feet.
<p>Uh oh.
<p>There's disease and death in this place. You can hear sobbing from one of the shacks that line the wall.
<p>"Well this can't be good," you say.
<P>The wagon rounds a corner and you see the Magistrate sitting at his desk in the middle of the outpost.
<p>Gulp.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Magistrate]]]
]
<p>Pleading not guilty was the right choice. Although it’s not without it’s consequences as Captain Rusk punches you square in the face.
<p>“He pleads guilty,” Captain Rusk tells the Magistrate.
<p>“Hey, whath? C’month man!” you say through a mouth of broken teeth.
<p>Captain Rusk punches you in the face again, this time with more gusto. You black out.
<p>You expect to wake up in an office building, but nope. You come to and see Captain Rusk standing over you.
<p>"How do you plead, maggot?" he growls.
---
You can: [[Reluctantly Plead Guilty->Plead Guilty]]
<p>“HE PLEADS GUILTY!" the mercenaries shout in unison. You're not sure why they're celebrating this.
<p>The Magistrate clears his throat.
<p>"You are hereby sentenced to spend the rest of your life on the Northern Ice Floes,” booms the Magistrate. “That frigid temperatures will freeze your meat solid. Your body shall be returned to nature by the Goblin-eating fish in the North. May the seals have mercy on your desecrated body.”
<p>The Desertion Squad hoists you off the ground and drags you towards the nearest carriage heading to the North.
<p>“Go crap an ice cube,” Captain Rusk mutters under his breath before punching you in the face again.
<p>Believe it or not, you’ve learned your lesson and keep quiet, but you silently wish a number of terrible deaths on Captain Rusk.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->One Week Later]]]
<p>When the wagon comes to a stop, the rear door opens and you and the other deserters are dumped out onto the dirt.
<p>The Magistrate approaches. The Magistrate is a tall, imposing figure wearing a long black robe and the worst wig you’ve ever seen in your life. It's clear that he's the only one eating at the Outpost.
<p>“Got a couple more deserters for ya,” Captain Rusk growls to the Magistrate. Captain Rusk gives you a kick in the back for good measure. "Bow to the Magistrate, maggot!"
<p>“Hey!” you protest. He gives you another kick. This guy just loves kicking.
<p>The Magistrate looks everyone over and says, "The penalty for desertion is death. How do you plead?"
---
You can: [[Plead Not Guilty]]
You can: [[Plead Guilty]]
{ONE WEEK LATER . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>The Northern Ice Floes are actually pretty nice this time of year. The water is a shade of blue that you find soothing. The wind, though biting, isn’t quite as biting as it is in the winter months.
<p>You’ve been floating on an ice floe for the better part of a week. You fought and defeated a seal and have been eating its meat over the last few days. You’ve even used its blubber to fashion a makeshift wetsuit. It didn't work, but it was a fun way to pass the time.
<p>The only thing that you didn’t take into consideration was whether or not Goblins can eat seal meat. You have discovered that they cannot. You could have used this information a few days ago.
<p>The seal meat caused your skin slowly turn inside out and your eyeballs popped out of your skull like two angry ping-pong balls. It was a weird way to go, all things considered.
<p>As you lay dying, you wonder what S’Norch is up to and whether or not she’s getting along better with the rest of the Goblins or if she's trained her Chirp Cheep to talk.
<p>You are now dead and the darkness has taken you...
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Underworld 2]]]
]
{WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD! (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>...straight into a cubicle in a crowded office. You’re sitting across from a [[cluttered desk->cluttered desk2]] with an empty chair behind it. A sign on the desk says “Welcome, Dead”. The sign looks new.
<p>This all looks familiar
<p>A harried demon storms into the cubicle carrying a stack of paperwork. The demon is man shaped and the blackest suit you've ever seen. He has a vague face that you can't really nail down, but you're pretty sure his skin is the color of blood and he has two small horns growing out of his forehead.
<p>“I’m so sorry for keeping you waiting Mr. D’Hargh,” says Vague Face, the demon. “We’ve had quite a morning. How are you? You’re look good, considering! Glad they got the eyeballs back in. Always disconcerting, missing eyeballs.”
<p>Bewildered by all of this you say, “Where am I?”
<p>“Oh you’re in the Underworld again, darling!” says the Vague Face with a smile and a flourish with his free hand. “You’re pushing up daisies!”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Admissions2]]]
]
<p>“More specifically, you’re in admissions wing of the Underworld. All the finest corpses from Mournia come through here on their way for processing. Before you ask - yes, I’ve met lots of celebrities.”
<p>“Cool,” you say. “Cool, cool, cool.”
<p>He leans in to whisper, “I met Bloodaxe The Beefy once. You know him? He’s a hero of yours, right?”
<p>You had a poster of Bloodaxe the Beefy, on your wall as a young Goblin. That’s a lie. You still have it on your wall. Anyway, he’s one of the most famous Goblin heroes at the Battle of Northern Creeks. He’s chopped the heads off of *a lot* of people.
<p>Your eyes widen and your pupils dilate just thinking about it.
<p>“No way,” you say, absolutely astounded. “How’d he die? Was it a dragon? No wait! Was it a Three Headed Mega-dragon? No wait! Was it a Dark Necromancer? No wait! Was it a Three Headed Dark Mega-Necromancer?”
<p>“None of the above, darling! He polished off an entire wagonload of illegal Dwarf Whiskey-glug-glug-glug-KAPUT!” says the Demon. As he talks he mimes chugging a large drink and falling out of his chair. “I guess all those years chopping heads off took a toll on the poor fellow. Quite sad, actually."
<p>You are obviously disappointed to hear about this.
<p>“Anyway, back to you, you green so-and-so!” squealed the demon.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Death Exemption2]]]
<p>"All right, let's see here," he says opening the folder and thumbing through the sheets of paper. You wonder why you have such a big file and whether that's a bad sign or not. You're convinced that whatever it is, it can't be good.
<p>Vague Face closes the folder with a snap and gives you a smile. It’s not a happy smile. It’s the kind of smile you get just before your parents tell you having children was a mistake and they're getting divorced.
<p>“It looks like you have a sponsor!” he says, his face erupting into a large, toothy smile. “Isn’t that wonderful? Someone down here has taken a shining to you and allotted a Death Exemption. If I’m being honest, I didn’t even know we had those! One never ceases to be amazed by the mysteries of the Underworld.”
<p>“I don’t know what any of that means.”
<p>“I don’t either. Quite unorthodox, I must say. And there’s this,” he produces a small note. “Looks like there’s a mysterious message for you. The plot certainly thickens!”
---
You can: [[Read the Note->Read the Note 2]]
{ITEMS ON DESK INCLUDE
* One of those electronic picture frames that rotates family photos. You notice that they're mostly photos of a dog with a lizard head and that some people have been cropped out.
* A copy of an amended Will with several names removed.
* A bloody knife in a plastic bag labeled "evidence".
* A decorative human endocrine system.
* An newspaper open to the Obituary section.}
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->Underworld 2]] {THE MYSTERIOUS NOTE . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>*Dear Mr. D’Hargh,
<p>Just use the outhouse next time, babe.
<p>Warmest regrets,
<p>The Demons of the Underworld – Processing Department*
---
<p>When you finish reading, the Underworld and Vague Face disappear in a flash of bright light.
<p>"Oh, what?" you say as the world dissolves around you.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Use the Outhouse (from underworld)]]]
]
{OXTAIL FOREST (AGAIN) . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>The Underworld disappears in a flash and you find yourself standing among the ferns and trees of Oxtail Forest. You're standing five feet away from the outhouse.
<p>"What the flying farts just happened?" you say out loud. You feel your nose-it's not broken. You feel your eyes-they're safely inside your head.
<p>"Huh."
<p>A slight breeze caresses your face. You hear the dulcet tones of Chirp Cheeps taking down an elk in the distance.
<p>Your stomach gurgles. Ah, that problem again.
<p>A bright blue-white light beams from between the seams of the strange metal outhouse. The outhouse appears to be smoking.
<p>You do some mental gymnastics to conclude that a glowing and smoking are normal things for an outhouse to do.
<p>Your stomach gurgles and grumbles, telling you it’s time. Well, it’s not time now but it’s coming soon. You take a deep breath to steel yourself against what is going to happen next.
<p>With trepidation, you unlatch the door and step through.
---
You can: [[Use the Outhouse->Finished Using the Outhouse]]
]
<p>{FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>You step out of the outhouse. Your body has violently purged itself of the poison. It was a traumatic experience and you're glad for the privacy. You make a silent vow to never discuss this experience with anyone.
<p>The air is cleaner and the sky is bluer. For the first time you notice - I mean *really notice* the ferns that pepper the forest floor, and the majestic trees that seem to touch the sky. You decide that the Chirp Cheeps would be cute if they wore fun little outfits.
<p>You take a deep breath, and regroup. Okay, now it's Step 3 of your plan - find your way back to the Horde without getting caught by the poop cops.
<p>"No problem," says the new you, the one who can accomplish anything.
<p>Then...you see the man shaped creature wearing dark robes and a pointy hat. He's fifty feet away. He doesn't look like one of the Poop Police, but you can never be too careful.
<p>In the blink of an eye, he’s covered the distance between you and is ten feet away.
<p>He looks kinda pissed.
<p>"Holy crap, that's a goddamned Wizard," you say. You can't believe it.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Wizard]]]
]
<p>“Uhhhhhh, hey man, I didn't see you there," you say. The wizard won't stop glaring at you. Then you jab your thumb at the outhouse to say, “It’s free if you need it.”
<p>“Did you...just crap in there?” says the bewildered Wizard. That's a very personal question. Maybe that's how Wizards operate?
<p>He's got some sort of weapon in his hand. It's not like anything you've ever seen before. The cautious part of your brain informs you that it's probably a wand, a typical Wizard accoutrement.
<p>It's time to turn on the charm.
<p>You say, “Just had to use the facilities. Now I’m on my way back to the Horde. I didn't run away if that's what you think."
<p>You and the wizard stare at each other. You can't shake the feeling that you're misreading the situation.
<p>"That's not an outhouse you idiot," says the wizard.
<p>"It's not? Then wha--"
<p>Pow! There's a flash of light! You're knocked backwards by a blast from the wizard's wand. Your chest hurts.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Voices in the Dark]]]
{CASTLE - DUNGEON . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>You wake up in a dungeon. It's a nice change of pace.
<p>It's dark and damp and smells like [[Wereyak]] butt. You're probably going to get a respiratory disease if you don't get out of there soon.
<p>You're on your back, laying on a metal table, restrained by thick iron chains. There is a comfortable pillow under your head.
<p>The room is full of boxes and equipment you've never seen before. Tesla coils spark, strange [[liquid gurgles]] in beakers. It's very 'Mad Scientist chic'.
<p>There's a giant clock on the wall. No, it's not a clock, but it's counting down to something. But counting down to what?
<p>You spot a pile of Forest Explorer 300 torches against the wall. That's weird.
<p>The Wizard is hunched over a workbench with his back to the room. Is he eating a sandwich? He might be eating a sandwich. No, those are [[chicken tenders]]. Suddenly you want to eat chicken tenders, but you can't because you're tied to the metal bed thing.
<p>“Wha?” you say. “Where? Huh? How? Huh?”
<p>“Shuuuuttt uuuup,” says a nearby voice in a long, drawn out, angry whisper.
<p>The Wizard stops what he's doing and turns around. Everything stops.
<P>He glares down his long, crooked nose at you. After what feels like an impossible amount of time, he says, "I've got time so I'm going up for a snack, do you guys need anything?"
<p>“Uh,” you say, “nah, thank you though.”
<p>That's a lie, you wanted chicken tenders. Wait! No you didn't! You wanted to let go. Ugh. He's gone.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page|The Voices in the Dark]]]
]
{WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD! (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>You wake up in an office cubicle. You're sitting opposite a [[cluttered desk->cluttered desk 0]] with an empty chair behind it. The cubicle walls are covered in sheets of paper with strange writing on them.
<p>"What the crap is happening?" you say, trying to get your bearings. This place seems familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
<p>You're interrupted by a harried demon who storms into the cubicle with the urgency of someone who is late. The demon has vague facial features that you can't nail down, blood red skin and two small horns growing out of his forehead. He's wearing a dark suit.
<p>“Hello Mr. D’Hargh!” says Vague Face, the demon. “You must tell me - how was the hot sauce? Burned going in, burned coming back out, I'd suspect?”
<p>"Yeah, it was awful," you say. Bewildered by all of this you add, “Hey man, where am I?”
<p>“You're in the Underworld, baby!” says the Vague Face with a smile and a flourish. “By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you D-E-A-D - dead!”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Underworld 0]]]
]<p>The demon opens the folder and begins to read. As he does he says, "Umm-hmm, umm-hmm..."
<p>He closes the folder with a snap and gives you a smile. It’s not a happy smile. It’s the kind of smile you get just before the vet tells you your pet "dog" is actually a "Carnivorous Seven-Headed Mega Goat".
<p>“It looks like there's a message for you!” he says, his face erupting into a large, toothy smile. “Isn’t this just wonderful? Can you believe it, this never happens!”
<p>“What does that mean?” you say.
<p>“Honestly I have no idea!” He reaches into the folder and produces an envelope.
<p>He’s absolutely giddy with excitement as he slides it over to you.
(align:"==>")[[Read the Note->Read the Note 0]]{THE MYSTERIOUS NOTE . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
*"Dear Mr. D’Hargh,
We're delighted that you chose to join us today. Perhaps next time you choose to take action instead of letting the hot sauce murder you? Thanks babe.
Love,
The Demons of the Underworld"*
---
You close the note.
"I don't under--"
Everything disappears in a flash of white light before you finish talking. Suddenly you're back in...
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Sneak away and go find the bathroom 1]]
]{GOBLIN HORDE – TORCH MAKERS TENT (AGAIN). . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>"Whathecrap?" you say as all one word.
<p>The memory of where you just were is already fading. You remember the demon and a...an office? Is that what it was? No. That's bonkers. Also what's an office?
<p>"Okay, get it together," you say. You're freaked out. Your stomach gurgles to remind you that you still have that issue to deal with.
<p>You bravely poke your head out of the tent. You see Goblins packing up their tents and gear. Goblins, crazy with the look of war, fold their nightshirts and stuff them into their rucksacks. S'Norch bumps into you as she wheels the Torch Cart into the Horde.
<P>"Good luck V," she says. "Meet met back at the tent if you don't get executed for desertion."
<P>"If I don't crap my pants first," you say, trying to laugh. Everything seems wrong.
<p>S'Norch disappears into the Horde shouting, "Torches for sale! Torches for sale!"
<p>The plan goes like this: Part 1) Ditch the Horde and run into Oxtail Forest, Part 2) Find somewhere to go to the bathroom in peace, Part 3) Sneak back into the Horde and never mention it again.
<p>You go for it.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Sneak away and go find the bathroom cont]]
]<p>“Are you V’Largh?” says the third voice. You’ve never heard your name said as a threat before. This day is full of new experiences. "The assistant torch guy?"
<p>The voice is deep and sounds like they rinse out with turpentine mouthwash.
<p>Wait a goddamned second--you recognize that scary voice.
<p>It’s one of the missing Goblins. It’s G’Herry B’Lurp. You crane your neck to look behind you and squint. Squinting helps. You see that it's all three of the missing Goblins.
<p>What the crapping crap are the B'Lurp Brothers doing here?
<p>"What the crapping crap are you guys doing here?" you ask.
<p>"We were just minding our business, then a portal opened and blam, we woke up here," says G'Herry.
<p>"We weren't in the middle of any crimes," says B'Herry voice.
<p>"Definately not in the middle of crimes," says G'Herry, confidently.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Missing Goblins]]]
He's making ranch dressing.
Or, rather, he's *perfecting* ranch.
This Wizard sure is strange and mysterious!
(align:"==>")[[[Return to Story->Voices in the Dark]]]<p>So the good news is that you’ve found the missing Goblins. The bad news is that you’re one of them. This is your first time being held captive. So far, it’s not great, but at least your head is resting on a very nice pillow.
<p>In the darkness G’Herry, L’Herry and B’Herry are chained to the dungeon wall. They do not have pillows. This is a fact they’re slowly starting to realize.
<p>“You guys know this Wizard guy?" you whisper, trying to distract them from the pillow situation. "What does he want with us?"
<p>“We were going to ask you the same thing!” whispers G’Herry, the eldest of the B’Lurp Brothers. “Are you here to get us out of here, or what?”
<p>You pull on your iron restraints and say, “Obviously not!”
<p>“Does S’Norch want her money for the torches?” says B’Herry. “We’re good for it. *I mean* we’re not good for it right *now* because we've been wizardnapped. But you know what I mean.”
<p>“Yes!” you whisper. "She's very upset!"
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Returns]]]
{MINUTES LATER . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>The Wizard storms back down the stairs carrying some sort of sandwich. He’s either full of rage or panic. He's hard to read.
<p>He looks up at you and the B’Lurp Brothers, loses sight of the stairs, misses one and goes down hard.
<p>"WHOOPS!" says the Wizard.
<p>He tumbles down the stairs and comes to stop at the bottom. There is a loud CRACK followed by a whimpering noise. Bread and sandwich meat spread out all over the stone floor.
<p>"HURCK!" says the Wizard.
<p>"Oh god!" you say.
<p>From this vantage point you can see that his neck is bent into a hard right angle. He's obviously dead.
<p>"Nnnguah..." moans the Wizard as he gets back to his feet. He straightens his neck out with a crack. He looks mildly confused. Once he gets his bearings he says, “I’m okay!”
<p>Everyone jumps out of their skin.
<p>"Oh crap!" says G'Herry.
<p>“I’m okay,” reassures the Wizard.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard is Pissed]]]
]
<p>The recently deceased Wizard crosses the dungeon towards you and the B’Lurp Brothers. He has food in his beard but you're too afraid to mention it. The clock on the wall behind him keeps counting down.
<p>The Wizard notices you noticing the clock on the wall.
<p>You have to say something or it's going to be weird, "What's with the clock, man?"
<p>"It's not a clock, it's an Anti-Time Monitor. It's counting down to when the bad guys lock onto my location."
<p>Now that he's closer you can see he his Goblin features have been eroded by time. Now he looks old and sick. He has gray skin and his tusks have been worn to nothing but nubs. His nose looks like it’s been broken a hundred times over.
<p>The Wizard leans against the table and says, “Do you know how long it took me to clean my Time Pod? It took me a long time pal. A long, long time."
<p>You say, “I thought it was an outhouse.”
<p>“Look, I’m willing to let it go,” the Wizard says. “But I need you to do something for me, capiche?”
---
You can: [[Tell him you're not going to do anything weird]]
You can: [[Tell him how excited you are to have an adventure]]
You can: [[Ask him if he's going to kill you, because it looks like he might kill you]]
<p>“You're obviously a Wizard,” you say. “You’ve got the hat and the robes and everything. Not to mention this angry wizard vibe.” You try and gesture at him, but the iron restraints said no.
<p>“This is a uniform,” the Wizard says. He's having a hard time with this. "I have to wear it for work."
<p>“What about the wand?” you say.
<p>“It’s the 'Zap-O-Tron 8000' - duh-doi,” says the Wizard. Then adds, “It shoots things and opens lil’ portals places. It's a very sophisticated prototype. Check it out."
<p>He points it at a beaker on the desk and shoots a spell. The beaker turns into a hedgehog. The hedgehog screams in terror and explodes into a pink mist.
<p>“That was the 'Hedgehog setting'. See, it took all the beakers atoms and replaced them with hedgehog atoms. It’s science, you guys wouldn't get it,” he says holding the wand with one hand and pointing at its parts with the other.
<p>“You look like a Wizard to me," you say.
<p>The Wizard starts to get frustrated. It's clear that he hates your guts.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Gets Frustrated]]]
<p>“I don't know what else I can do to show you I'm not a Wizard,” says the obvious Wizard.
<p>The clock on the desk flips numbers over. The Wizard stares at the clock and then says, "Look, I'm looking for something and I know one of you knows where it is. It's a little, little thing, but it's an *important* thing."
<p>"No prob," you say. "I see important things all day long, I'm a very important Goblin."
<p>Sounds of dissent come from the B'Lurp Brothers.
<p>"It's a..." starts the Wizard, "a...Chirp Cheep. But not just any Chirp Cheep. It's the most evil Chirp Cheep in the Universe. This Chirp Cheep, it...it changes the course of history."
<p>You and the B'Lurp Brothers sit in silence.
<p>The Wizard continues, "This particular Chirp Cheep is extra small and has a crown. Have you seen it?"
<p>Uh oh. It sounds like he's describing the Chirp Cheep that S'Norch adopted. Maybe? Maybe not? For all you know they all have little crowns on their heads.
<p>You nod in the negative.
<p>"I have to find this pipsqueak before the timer gets to zero," he says.
<p>"What happens when it gets to zero?" you ask.
<p>"That's when things are going to get extra weird,” the Wizard says. "But we can stop it if we can find this Chirp Cheep. We'll save the future."
You can: [[Tell him you know where the Chirp Cheep is]]
You can: [[Keep your stupid trap shut]]
You can: [[Ask for another pillow]]
<p>You and the other Goblins try not to make eye contact with the Wizard. You're not sure what's happening here but are pretty sure it's not going great.
<p>The Wizard is pacing around in circles and talking to himself, “I need to find it, and I don’t have a lot of time.”
<p>The Wizard takes a deep breath to calm himself down. It kinda works. He’s still pretty worked up but he doesn’t seem homicidal, which is good for all the Goblins that are chained to walls.
<p>He approaches the B’Lurp Brothers. You roll onto your side to get a look, as you move you feel the bottle of hot sauce in your pocket - [[hot sauce->hot sauce 1]]! That just might be the ticket!
<p>“I’m looking for a thing, it’s about the size of a mouse but it doesn’t have any skin on it, I need it. Have you seen it? It's got a crown on its head.”
<p>Uh oh. He's describing the Chirp Cheep that S'Norch adopted. Probably? Look, for as much as you know all of them have those little crowns.
<p>“You mean a Chirp Cheep?” says G’Herry, the idiot.
<p>The Wizard has his back to you while he talks to G'Herry, the idiot. “Yeah! Have you seen the one I'm talking about? It's got a little crown?”
<p>He's distracted. Now's your chance!
You can: [[Reach for the Hot Sauce]]
<p>Up close you can see how old the Wizard is. You've never seen a Goblin Wizard before, much less a Goblin Wizard who looks like he's 8,000 years old.
<p>Still, though, you notice that the old Wizard kind of looks like you. Like you're looking at the Ghost of V'Largh future. You make a vow to start a skin routine.
<p>“I keep forgetting how unbelievably dumb this period is,” he says. "Everyone here is so unbelievably dumb! I can’t even believe it.”
<p>This seems like a good time for you to interject, so you politely ask for another pillow, hoping that the Wizard doesn't turn you into an exploding hedgehog.
<p>“Huhwha? Another pillow?" says the Wizard, fiddling with the Zap-O-Tron 8000. "Yeah sure, check this out."
<p>He twirls his wand around and fires. You close your eyes. This is it, hedgehog time. When you open your eyes, there’s a second pillow under your head.
<p>“Holy moly,” you say. "This is nice."
<p>“Is there anything else I can get you guys?”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Makes you Comfortable]]]
<p>Your stomach is a hurricane of butterflies. Will this work? It could! Or it might not. Which are you most afraid of? Are you afraid that it won't work? Or that it WILL work?
<p>You tell yourself that It's time to take charge and be the main character in your own life. You can do this.
<p>You wrangle your hand down your side and into the pocket of your Battle Shorts. After a few tense moments, you have the bottle in your hand. The Hot Sauce is nuclear and the bottle is warm.
<p>Take a deep breath.
<p>The Wizard is prattling on to the B'Lurp Brothers about the future. He's got a real thing for 'The Future'. He's occupied and not paying attention to you.
<p>Now is your chance.
---
You can: [[Break the Bottle]]
You can: [[Keep Trying to Talk Your Way Out of This]]
<p>The Wizard tucks the pillow under your neck.
<p>As you make room for the pillow, you feel the bottle of [[hot sauce->hot sauce 2]] shift in your pocket. Suddenly you have an idea.
<p>“There, you go. Don't want to damage the goods. Might have irreparable consequences!” This guy is weird. When the Wizard is close you notice that his robes don’t have stars on them, they’re torches. Why do the torches look familiar?
<p>You dismiss this thought and determine Wizard fashion is weird.
<p>"Anything else that I can do?" he says.
<p>“You can let us go? That would be nice of you,” you say. You kick yourself. Should have mentioned the Chicken Tenders.
<p>“HAHAHAHAHAHA!” the Wizard erupts with laughter and says, “Nah.”
<p>It was worth a shot.
---
You can: [[Reach for the Hot Sauce]]
<p>"Do you guys have any Chicken Tenders?" you ask.
<p>"No, man!" says one of the shadowy figures. "We're stuck here just like you!"
<p>Your disappointment is immeasurable.
<p>Welp, back to the task at hand. You say, "How long have you guys been here? Is there any way out?"
<p>"We got here, I don't know? What day is it?"
<p>You tell him what day it is. There's a long, pregnant pause.
<p>"We've been here since yesterday," says the voice, suspiciously.
<p>"The only way out of here is up those stairs," says another voice. "But we can't get up those stairs because we're chained to this wall."
<p>This conversation was a mistake.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Wait a goddamned second]]]<p>"Shut up, man," whispers one of the Goblin shapes.
<P>"Are you trying to get us killed?" says another voice.
<p>“Huh?” you say. “Who is there? What's happening?”
<p>You twist onto your side as far as the restraints will let you. In the darkness you make out three Goblin sized shapes sitting against the wall with their arms over their heads. You can't make out any details, but even in the darkness you can tell they’re big and strong, their eyes are glowing red with rage.
<p>"That Wizard is going to turn us all into hedgehogs if we don't get out of here," says one of the voices.
<p>Wizard? Hedgehogs? This is getting dumb.
<p>You're going to have to work with these do-dos if you're going to get out of this mess. But first...
---
You can: [[Talk to the voices in the dark]]
You can: [[Figure a way out of this mess]]
<p>“Sir?” you say, which totally derails the Wizards train of thought.
<p>“Yeah fam?”
<p>“First of all, I’m very excited to be here. I’ve never been in a dungeon before. Second of all, you’re the first wizard that I’ve ever met,” you say.
<p>"Oh good, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," he says. Then he connects the dots and says, "Wait you think I'm a Wizard?"
<p>You look him up and down and say, "Uh...yeah, man."
<p>“I’m not a wizard, you dill-weed,” says the Wizard. “Do I look like a wizard to you?”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Isn’t A Wizard]]]<p>“Sir?” you say, which totally derails the Wizards train of thought.
<p>“Yeah, babe?”
<p>“First of all, I’m very excited to be here. I’ve never been in a dungeon before, so, thank you for that. Second of all, and this is probably the more pressing issue, are you going to kill me?" you say.
<p>"*Us,*" adds one of the B'Lurp Brothers.
<p>"Are you going to kill us?" you say. Flawless.
<p>"Kill you?" says the Wizard, as if this is the first time it occurred to him. "Well, maybe?"
<p>After a moment you say, "Could you nail that down for me?"
<p>"I haven't decided yet," he said. "I'll probably kill those other guys before I kill you. Things will get weird if I kill you."
<p>This, understandably, caused some concern amongst the remaining Goblins.
<p>"It's that like a Wizard thing?" you ask.
<p>“Wizard thing? Look, I’m not a wizard, you dill-weed,” says the Wizard. “Do I look like a wizard to you?”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Isn’t A Wizard]]]
<p>The Wizard charges at full speed, pointing the Zap-O-Tron 8000 at you. You dive out of the way and kick your leg out. The Wizard falls face first onto the floor and slides into the pool of hot sauce dissolving the stone.
<p>He gets to his feet in a panic. He wipes at his face, screaming in pain. You can smell what the hot sauce is doing to his skin and it's gross.
<p>“Oh jeez!” you and the B’Lurp Brothers say in unison. The dungeon erupts into loud, screaming chaos.
<p>“His face is melting off!”
<p>“Where’d his nose go?”
<p>“Never mind his nose, what about his eyes! There they are! They’re melting down his face!”
<p>Finally, mercifully, the faceless Wizard collapses in a heap of blue robes on the floor of the dungeon. The room is deathly quiet. Holy crap, that was wild.
<p>“That was…so gross,” says G’Herry.
<p>Everyone takes a minute. Then...
<p>“Nnnguah…” moans the pile of Wizard. Oh jeez Louise he’s not dead.
<p>The Wizard gets to his feet. You’re too horrified to move as you watch his liquefied face rebuild itself in front of you, like time is rewinding.
<p>“That stuff'll get ya’!” says the Wizard when his face starts working again. After he gives it a quick check, satisfied that everything is in the correct order, he points the Zap-O-Tron 8000 at you.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Wizard Fires Spells]]]
<p>The Wizard fires off a few spells (shots?) with the Zap-O-Tron 8000. You duck as the spells (shots?) fall to the side, barely missing you and hitting the wall.
<p>“Ha!” you say, triumphantly.
<p>“He’s not shooting at you, dork-bag!” says the gravelly voice of L’Herry B’Lurp.
<p>You turn, the B’Lurp Brothers have been hit, G’Herry is encased in amber, B’Herry is frozen in ice. Only L’Herry is unscathed and he’s really freaked out about it. He has a look of a Goblin who knows his time is limited.
<p>“Aw, crap!” you say.
<p>The Wizard sidesteps you and gets ready to blast L’Herry.
<p>“Hey-hey-hey!” you say, getting between the Wizard and the remaining Goblin. “Let’s talk about this, man!”
<p>This was an act of heroism you were unaware you were capable of. Main character energy, heck yeah!
<p>The Wizard points his wand directly at you. Whoops. This heroism was a mistake. From this angle the Zap-O-Tron 8000 looks enormous and terrifying.
<p>"I can't do this," he says lowering the Zap-O-Tron 8000.
<p>The alarm on the table goes off. Whatever it was counting down to, it counted down to it.
<p>Suddenly the air starts to shimmer behind the Wizard. The room seems to split in half and a doorway appears.
<p>“Whaaaaaa,” you say.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->A Portal Opens Behind the Wizard]]]
<p>The doorway floats a foot above the ground. Through the portal you see a long hallway with gray walls.
<p>You hear footsteps coming down the hall. Then you hear a sound that strikes terror into your heart.
<p>“Chirp-cheep-chirp-cheep-chirp-cheep,” a dozen voices say in unison. "Chirp-cheep-chirp-cheep!"
<p>“Aw crap,” you say. Your stomach is doing that thing again.
<p>“Here they come, the Sir Lights-a-Lot Torch Making Corporation Soldiers,” says the Wizard. “The most vicious army in the entire Universe. Descendants of the King Chirp Cheep.”
<p>He puts his hands up in surrender as the Soldiers exit the portal in formation. As he does he says, "You've got to find the little pipsqueak and squish it into paste! The Future depends on it!"
<p>What a weird guy. This is, hands down, one of the weirdest days you've ever had.
<p>You marvel at the soldiers as they march through. They're bigger then Goblins and wearing oversized suits of armor. They're emblazoned with an image of a lit torch - the same torch that's on the Wizards robe.
<p>"Huh," you say.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->CHIRP CHEEP SHOCK TROOPERS]]]
<p>There is a bolt holding the iron restraints near your hand. You crush the bottle against it. The glass shatters. The hot sauce spills out and starts to eat everything it touches. The iron starts to smoke. A puddle of hot sauce forms on the floor and starts dissolving the stone.
<p>The Wizard turns and says, “Oh yeah, you have that hot sauce in your pocket.”
<p>“I’m outta here, man!” you say triumphantly. "I have agency!"
<p>You pull at the restraints while the hot sauce eats through the iron. It hasn't quite eaten all the way and you're not strong enough to break the restraints. You’re still trapped.
<p>"Dang it!" you say.
<p>“Ha!” says the Wizard. "You're dumb."
<p>“I'm the main character in my life and I don't want to be stuck here,” you say.
<p>“No here one likes this situation,” adds G'Herry.
<p>"We're main characters in our own lives too!" says L'Herry.
<p>Finally the iron gives way! You’ve set yourself free!
<p>Unfortunately, the Wizard also notices this.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard vs the Hot Sauce]]]<p>The Wizard sees the bottle of hot sauce in your hand. Your hand is raised to smash it on the restraints.
<p>“Is that Horde Hot Sauce?” he says.
<p>“Uh, yep!” you say.
<p>“I was the Horde Hot Sauce Eating Champion once,” says the Wizard just before he swats the bottle out of your hand. It smashes on the floor. The hot sauce immediately starts dissolving the stone.
<p>“Hey man!” you say.
<p>He says. “Look, kid, I really need your help with this Chirp Cheep business. And I think we got off on the wrong foot here, so what do you say we start over, huh?”
<p>He leans over and unlocks your restraints. For some reason you want to trust this weird old Wizard, despite everything that has happened thus far.
<p>“I still have no idea what you’re talking about,” you tell him.
<p>He gives you the ‘finger guns’ gesture like he’s going to tell you all his secrets. But instead he stumbles and takes a few steps forward.
<p>“Look, I-HURK!” he says before disappearing through the Goblin sized hole in the floor.
<p>“Oh my jeez!” you say. “Bro! You okay?”
<p>You hear the wet squishing sound of his body smashes on the rocks below.
<p>“That's gross,” says G’Herry. "But also convenient!"
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Walks Down the Stairs]]]
<p>The Wizard storms back down the stairs like nothing happened. He approaches the table but this time he sidesteps the hole.
<p>“What? How are you? But you? What?” you say. “Bro you’re dead.”
<p>“We all saw it,” says L’Herry.
<p>“Yeah, that ain’t right,” says G’Herry.
<p>“Yeah, I know. It's a whole thing. Look guys, I really need your help,” the Wizard says to you. It's amazing how much he looks like you. There has to be an explanation to all this and you don't want to die without knowing it.
<p>Wait you got it! You figured out where you've seen this guy.
<p>“Are you Flizznitch the Wizard?" you say, again derailing the old weirdo.
<p>The Wizard looks at the timer on the wall and then back at you. He sighs.
<p>"No, of course not! Flizznitch wasn't real."
<p>"Then who are you?" you say.
<p>"You're not going to believe it," says the Wizard. "It's far fetched, okay? And I know how it's going to sound."
<p>"Try me," you say.
<p>"Look, I'm from the future. I'm actually you. It's been a life of misery and pain," he says, somberly. "Unless I can accomplish my mission."
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Continue-Why Do You Guys Look Alike]]]
<p>"Well, that's stupid," you say, there's no way he's you from the future. That would create a time loop or a paradox or something. You make a note to look it up later.
<p>“Okay. Maybe I’m your dad, but from another, much handsomer dimension?” he says. "That could happen? The boys in the lab are pretty confident about that one."
<p>An alarm goes off. The timer on the wall has counted down to zero.
<p>"Aw crap," the Wizard says.
<p>The Wizard tilts his head back and sighs the second longest sigh you’ve ever heard. When he’s finished he says, “Time’s up, they’re coming. Gonna have to go through all this again. I hope that you have better luck than I do, kid.”
<p>Behind him, the air starts to shimmer. The room seems to split in half and a doorway appears.
<p>“Well that's rad,” you say marveling at the portal.
<p>The mystery of why he looks like you will have to go unsolved.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->A Portal Opens Behind the Wizard]]
<p>“Congrats dudes,” says the soldier a little more casually than you expected. “You have successfully distracted the deserter long enough for us to get a lock on his time signature.”
<p>The soldiers file around and grab the Wizard and throw him in strange looking plastic shackles.
<p>They take turns punching him in the nose, "Oof!"
<p>He turns to you and says, "You've got to find Prince Chirp Cheep and destroy it. You have to finish the job I was sent to do. The fate of the future is in your hands! Otherwise these guys will take over!"
<p>His nose is super broken. Ew.
<p>"Oh, okay," you say as the Wizard is forcefully escorted through the portal. "What a weirdo."
<p>The soldiers secure the dungeon and release the B'Lurp Brothers.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->A Soldier Approaches]]]
{OXTAIL FOREST – THE HORDE . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>You're barfed out of the portal in front of the Torch Makers Tent.
<p>“Holy crap,” you say as the portal closes up. You turn to the B’Lurp Brothers. They’re busy hoofing it in the opposite direction.
<p>You get to your feet and dust yourself off. When you turn to head towards the Torch Makers Tent you see S’Norch reloading her Torch Cart.
<p>“You made it back! C'mon and get to work!” she says before disappearing into the tent.
<p>“What a weird day…” you start to say, you're interrupted by--
<p>"Chirp cheep!"
<p>You look down by your feet. It's S'Norch's pet Chirp Cheep, wearing a smug look and dressed in a familiar blue shirt and a pointy hat. The Chirp Cheep you're supposed to squish.
<p>You and the Chirp Cheep stare at one another. The hamster running on a wheel in your head is fast at work.
---
You can: [[Listen to the old, weird, Wizard and 'save' the future, whatever that means.->Prince Chirp Cheep]]
You can: [[Let it be and contemplate cause and effect->Prince Chirp Cheep 1]]
]=><=
{THE END . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))}
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)Please direct all questions, concerns, bugs, feedback regarding this project, restaurant recommendations, recipes, family recipes, secret family recipes, secret family secrets, hiding spots, short cuts, time travel tips/warnings, unconventional pets, baseball statistics and complaints regarding any Sir Lights-a-Lot products to:
pickledmonsterguts@gmail.com
*OR*
[[Click Here to Start Over->Prologue]]
]
{10,000 YEARS LATER . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
*<p>Things 10,000 years in the future are the pits. The Star Dragons are running amok. The Ogres have started dipping their toes into Multi-Versal Crime. The Midnight Queen has disappeared across Bitter Nebula with her Berserker Fleet, which everyone can agree, is cause for concern.
<p>On top of all that, the Sir Lights-a-Lot Torch Empire has achieved maximum market share in the Universe and rules with an iron fist. They've united the Three Corporate Armies and begun their march across the Universe, enslaving the planets of the Outer Spindle.
<p>The 13 Goblin Fleets have put aside their differences and united against the evil corporation.
<p>So now, the United Goblin Fleets, have obtained a weapon that will put an end to the Sir Lights-a-Lot Torch Empire once and for all. *
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Future]]]
]
<p>“I know what you mean, my man,” you say. The Wizard stops in his tracks.
<p>“Of course you do, my sweet little baby idiot, you remind me of me when I was your age,” says the Wizard. Then he shouts, “It’s only the fate of the entire freaking Universe that's at stake!”
<p>That’s a little obnoxious, you think. The End of the World is one thing, but the End of the Universe is too much.
<p>“Exactly! The fate of the U-knee-verse, very important!” you lie. You send it home by pointing authoritatively at him but the iron shackles keep you from fully gesticulating. You make a note that the words “fully” and “gesticulating” sound gross when you put them together like that.
<p>Speaking of gross things: there's still a bottle of [[hot sauce->hot sauce 0]] in your pocket. You might not be able to point at the weird Wizard, but you’re pretty sure you can reach the hot sauce.
<p>“Say, maybe release these shackles and we can talk it over? If it’s the fate of the U-knee-verse we’re talking about, we should start with the basics, like ‘What’s a U-knee-Verse?’” you say, “And then, ‘Who cares?’”
<p>The Wizard grumbles and walks away shaking his head. You’re not sure, but it seems like you said something that just blew his mind.
<p>Now’s your chance! Be a hero! Save the U-knee-verse!
---
You can: [[Reach for the Hot Sauce]]
<p>The lead soldier approaches you. His helmet opens and you see a Chirp Cheep sitting inside. It's operating the suit with a series of levers and pulleys. It's wearing some sort of goggles and is dressed just like the Wizard - a blue robe with torches on it.
<p>“We are Account Executives with the Sir Lights-a-Lot Torch Making Empire, heretofore referred to as ‘The Empire’,” says the Chirp Cheep. “Please take this as a reward for your brand loyalty.”
<p>The Chirp Cheep Soldier hands you a pile of clothes. You unfurl it; it’s a blue robe with a pointy hat with torches embroidered on it.
<p>“Uh, thanks?” you say. You're sure this will all make sense eventually.
<p>Another portal opens up behind the soldier. Through the opening you can see the Torch Makers Tent and the rest of the Goblin Horde getting ready to start the march.
<p>“Uh…huh,” you say.
<p>“The Empire thanks you for your service,” say the Chirp Cheep soldiers.
<p>"You're welc--" you start to say just before they throw you through the portal.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Back with the Horde]]]
<p>So, for reasons you haven't been able to quire figure out, you're still alive. Though, you look worse for it. The years have been rough. Your skin has turned from green to gray. On the plus side, your beard makes you look absolutely crazy.
<p>That's quite a feat. You're well over eight thousand years old. You've spent the time becoming an expert in just about everything, mostly in ways to die.
<p>You've died sixteen million, three hundred thousand, seven hundred eighty three times. And each time you only get as far as the Admissions Department of the Underworld.
<p>You've been to The Underworld so many times that you're on the office Birthday Cards distribution list. You're even the emergency contact for at least three different demons.
<p>Right now, you're on a Goblin Low Orbit Space Station 7, arguing with scientists while on your way to the time machine...
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Future 1]]]{GOBLIN LOW ORBIT SPACE STATION 7 . . . (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<P>The Goblin Scientist, a descendent of G’Herry B’Lurp, says, “...okay, so we maybe messed up a couple of times. I don't know why you're so mad about it.”
<P>“Oh, I'm mad about a lot! Did you know that I'm my own dad from another Universe? Do you know how gross that is?” you say, your blood is boiling. These guys just work your last nerve. "And don't forget you guys left me in the Forth Age - basically the stone ages - for almost a century, I burned out my Zap 1000 sending that guy to the Nightrealms, turns out - IT WAS THE WRONG GUY!"
<P>"I told you we made some mistakes!" the scientist says, sick of it. "Trying to find the exact point in history that changed everything isn't easy!"
<p>"We said we were sorry!" shouts someone from the back.
<p>You follow the Scientists through a double door and see the Time Pod. It looks like a metal outhouse with a cone on top. You regret everything in your life that has led to this point.
<P>“We all acknowledge that time travel hasn't gone perfectly," says a descendent of B'Herry B'Lurp. "Things probably can't get weirder than they are now.”
<p>You don't love the word "probably" in that sentence.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Future 2]]]
]
<P>“Just send me to the right time period this time,” you say in a tone that lets him know that you know that he's a liar. He frowns and skulks away.
<p>"I SAID we were sorry!" shouts Dr. B'Herry Jr. "We have it mostly figured out this time!"
<p>"You said that last time!" you shout back.
<p>As you can see, things in the future are tense.
<P>“Okay,” says Dr. G’Herry Jr. stepping in to calm things down. “You’ll have about 48 hours before the Account Executives get a lock on you with their [[Anti-Time Machine]] and send their Sales Squad - here, take the timer. If you can't squish Prince Chirp Cheep, you'll have to find the Young You, and get him to squish it. This is our last chance.”
<P>“Sure. Squish Prince Chirp Cheep. Got it. Don't mess up the timeline.” Then you say, "Then I get back into the metal outhouse, push a button and come back to a better future than the one I left?"
<p>"Right-a-rooni," says Dr. G'Herry Jr.
<p>You start to think that maybe Goblins aren't the ones who should have access to time travel.
<P>The scientists get behind their protective screens and turn on the machine. The oversized Tesla coils spark wildly. A small tornado of light forms in the center of the room. The Portal opens. The Time Pod is ready…
<p>A voice over the PA says, "Operation Flizznitch is a go..."
---
You can: [[Step into the Time Pod and try to save the future]]
You can: [[Or not, you're a Goblin with agency]]<p>You take a seat and wait for the time machine to warm up. The inside of the pod looks familiar, but you can't place it. It's very janky. Yeah, that's the best word to describe it.
<p>You remember the phrase 'janky outhouse' and suddenly it all starts coming back to you. The Hot Sauce. The B'Lurp Brothers. The weird Wizard.
<p>Wait a goddamned minute! You look at the Time Map, they're plotting to put you in Oxtail Forest, during the Battle of the White King.
<p>Suddenly, it all comes back to you. [[You remember S'Norch in the Torch Makers Tent.]] Everything is connected. The Goblins. The Chirp Cheeps. The Wizard Flizznitch. The outhouse.
<p>The Time Portal opens. Through the portal you see three stupid Goblin brothers in the middle of a crime. You recognize them as the B'Lurp Brothers.
<p>"Is that Flizznitch?" says the blonde one.
<p>"Damn it," you say. You're a Goblin defeated by life.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->The End]]
{WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD!(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>The darkness recedes. When you wake up, you’re sitting in the cubicle, across from Vague Face the demon with the nice suit.
<p>“It was worth a shot,” you say, apologetically. “It’s always nice to see you.”
<p>He smiles and slides over an envelope.
<p>“Another message from your benefactor,” he says.
<p>“Ugh,” you say. "Am I ever going to stop getting these?"
<p>"Probably not, we're all very excited to see what happens," says Vague Face.
---
You can: [[Open the Envelope->Step into the Time Pod 1]]
]
<p>An alarm sounds in the station. The Corporate Soldiers have found your rebel group. They storm the station in a flurry of laser fire.
<p>“CHIRP-CHEEP!” they say mechanically. “CHIRP-CHEEP!”
<p>The Goblin Scientists make a run for the escape pods. You hear their screams as they’re cut down by laser fire.
<p>The Corporate Soldiers turn their weapons on the ancient Goblin in the time machine.
<p>“Chirp-cheep, you guys,” you say.
<p>They open fire.
<p>You're obliterated. You're enveloped in darkness.
<p>No one is suprised.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Underworld]]]
{INSIDE THE TIME POD . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>There's a familiar flash of light. The Underworld disappears. You're disappointed but not surprised to discover you're sitting in the Time Pod.
<p>"Ugh," you say. "Figures."
<p>You decide that free will is a crock of crap.
<p>You wait for the time machine to warm up. The inside of the pod looks familiar, but you can't place it. It's very janky. Yeah, that's the best word to describe it.
<p>It looks like a janky outhouse. Janky outhouse.
<p>Wait a goddamned minute! You look at the Time Map; they're plotting to put you in Oxtail Forest during the Battle of the White King.
<p>Suddenly, it all comes back to you. [[You remember S'Norch in the Torch Makers Tent|You remember S'norch in the Torch Makers Tent 1.]] Everything is connected. The Goblins. The Chirp Cheeps. The outhouse. The hot sauce. The Wizard. The Wizard Flizznitch.
<p>The Time Portal opens. Through the portal you see three stupid Goblin brothers in the middle of a crime. You recognize them as the B'Lurp Brothers.
<p>"Is that Flizznitch?" says the blonde one.
<p>"Damn it," you say. You're a Goblin defeated by life.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->The End]]
]{GOBLIN HORDE – TORCH MAKERS TENT (change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<p>"...and that's why life is meaningless and nothing matters," you say to your colleague, [[S'Norch Gizzurc'h->S’Norch stats]].
<p>Outside the tent you hear the footsteps of the other Goblins getting a start on the day. There’s the usual grunting and shouting and unnecessary banging. It’s all very loud.
<p>You say, “We’re insignificant. Dust in the wind as the eternal machine relentlessly marches on,” you stare into the middle distance. You're a Goblin who has been defeated by life. "It's all a pointless exercise in pointlessness."
<p>You’re feeling the emotional and physical effects of having recently been crowned the [[Goblin Horde Hot Sauce Eating Champion]]. Horde Hot Sauce is so hot it’ll melt flesh from bone and eat through iron, not to mention what it's currently doing to your stomach lining.
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->S'Norch]]
]"The Four Armies of Man look to rebrand as the 'Three Armies of Man' after the Fourth Army has been reported missing. According to reports, the Fourth Army was last seen attempting to plunder a Three-Headed Mega-Dragon's Den Wednesday night. Surprising no one, they have not been seen since.
It's presumed they are dead and have been reduced to ash.
The newly christened "Three Armies" released a statement regarding the loss, saying in part: “We are ecxited (sic) for the fighting opportunities that a lean, mean three army fighting force will provide."
Authorities are asking the public to contact them with any information regarding the whereabouts of the missing army, but they're not holding their breath.
The Three-Headed Mega-Dragon known simply as The Rage, was unavailable for comment.
Our thoughts are with their families during this difficult time.
In other news, the Charcoal Guild is reporting a massive surplus in human sized charcoal, perfect for an afternoon Bar-B-Que..."
{(align:"==>")[-An Excerpt from *Daily Dragon News*]
(align:"==>")[[[Return to Story->Prologue]]]}
<p>"It all has meaning you dweeb," says S'Norch, "everything is connected -you, me, the birds, the ogres, the trolls. Everything in Mournia is connected to everything else. It's how life works, man. No Goblin is an island."
<p>You look over at S’Norch. You love her very much. She’s your best friend and boss at the Sir Lights-a-lot Torch Company.
<p>She feeds her pet Chirp Cheep, a mouse-sized creature that’s both boneless and skinless and has too many teeth for its mouth. It looks like a child's drawing that came to life. You’re not sure when S'Norch found it. It just showed up one day.
<p>You hate it. It terrifies you.
<p>“S'norch, please leave that skinless monster alone before its friends come to rescue it,” you say.
<p>Wild Chirp Cheeps have been known to devour a boarcow in 45 seconds. The only thing keeping Chirp Cheeps from taking over the Land of Mournia is that no one has told them they could do it.
<p>“No way V, my little prince loves me - you're my little prince, aren't you?” she says to the Chirp Cheep. In reply it purrs and nuzzles up against her finger.
<p>You can see it’s got a crown shaped birthmark on its skinless head. You shudder in fear.
<p>S'Norch looks at you and continues, “Anyway, V'Largh old pal…”
(align:"==>")[[Next Page->Malaise]]{OXTAIL FOREST . . .(change: ?Passage's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 60) + (t8n-skip: 200s) + (t8n: 'instant'))} (live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<P>You went for it! Congratulations!
<p>As it turns out: no one cared. You just briskly walked from your tent to the Oxtail Forest and no one batted an eye. It was very easy.
<p>It was maybe a little TOO easy, if you know what I mean? But still, you have to stay focused on the plan. It can only go down hill from here, but also it might be fine. Life is a confusing mess of ambiguity sometimes.
<p>Stop being a big baby, you tell yourself.
<p>"You got this," you say.
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The War Cry of the Chirp Cheeps]]]
]<p>“The rumor is that they got nabbed by a Wizard,” you tell S’Norch. "Or maybe it was a Warlock? Is there a difference? Anyways..."
<p>“V’Lharg, that's dumb, they didn't get wizardnapped. You mean to tell me that Flizznitch himself kidnapped the B'Lurp Brothers?” she says.
<p>"That's exactly what I'm saying," you say. "Who is Flizznitch?"
<p>"You've never? He's a legendary Wizard, who made the orcs? He pops up in stories every now and again? No? Nothing?"
<p>"Nothing. Anyway, yes, that's what I'm saying. Everyone was talking about it last night. A portal opened and barfed out a Wizard and he zapped them with his magic wand," you say. "Al-a-kazam, al-a-kaBLAMO."
<p>"You're an idiot," she says. Her seething rage is palpable and she casually snaps a torch in half. “They’re hiding because they don't have the money. We should have never given them torches without a deposit.”
<p>Your stomach grumbles. It's getting louder. S'Norch looks at you, she knows you're going to have to make a choice soon.
<p>"Ugh, fine, just get out of here, man," she says, she's sick of the conversation. "Don't get caught by the Poop Police."
<p>"You got it, boss," you say, shuffling off your cot.
<p>At that moment, your stomach has stopped rumbling. You're a little worried that after all that fuss that it was a false alarm.
---
You can: [[Sneak away and go find the bathroom just in case]]
You can: [[Chill out, it was probably a false alarm]]
<p>It’s the war cry of the Wild Chirp Cheep, the strange boneless, skinless, legless, mouse-sized monsters that patrol these woods. It's the same little monster S'Norch made a dress for in the tent.
<p>“Chirp-CHEEP!”
<p>You pee your pants a little.
<p>“CHIRP-CHEEP!”
<p>You see the ferns rustle as the pint sized monsters begin to swarm you. Within moments, you're surrounded and too terrified to move. You don't want to be eaten.
<p>“CHIRPCHEEP! CHIRPCHEEP! CHIRPCHEEP!” they scream.
<p>You pee your pants a lot.
You can: [[Go Out Swinging]]
You can: [[Flee Your Face Off]]
{ITEMS ON DESK INCLUDE:
* Photos of murder scenes.
* A reference book titled *An Ethical Exploration of Homicide*
* A stapler with a crocheted stapler cozy with "#1 Husband" stitched on it.
* A stack of legal documents, in particular a *Demonic Prenuptual Agreement*
* A human foot that's been turned into a mug, for a splash of whimsy }
[[Return to Story->Underworld-Hotsauce]] Due to a mathematical mishap, Chicken Tenders exist in all universes in the Multi-Verse.
In fact, some Multi-Verse Mathematicians suggest that every Chicken Tender is, in fact, it's own universe, and that the number of Universes in the Multi-Verse is limited to the number of Chicken Tenders that can fit into a basket.
Multi-Verse Mathematicians spend a lot of time by themselves.
(align:"==>")[[[Return to Story->Voices in the Dark]]] <p>The rude goblin shapes in the darkness have gone quiet. They might be talking to each other but you can't hear what they're saying.
<p>"Guys--" you start.
<p>"Shush!" snaps one of the Goblin shapes.
<p>You just want a moments peace. This is your first time being kidnapped and you'd really like to savor the experience and not share it with anyone else.
<p>"Ugh," you say. "Forget you guys."
<p>You inspect the restraints - they're made of iron. You realize that this might not be the easiest situation to get yourself out of.
<p>There's got to be a way out of here, you think, Mama D'Hargh didn't raise no quitter (not true, you quit things constantly).
<p>"Hey," says one of the voices in the dark.
<p>"I'm not talking to you," you say.
<p>"Well, that's rude," says another voice in the dark.
<p>"I know that voice," says a third voice in the dark. "Hey you, bed-guy?"
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->Wait a goddamned second]]]<p>“Excuse me,” you say. "Uh, sir?"
<p>“What's up, home slice?” he says. He was a million miles away.
<p>“First of all, wonderful dungeon," you say, trying to mean it.
<p>"Oh this place? It's not mine," says the Wizard. "Found some guy and he's renting it out to me. Got a bargain."
<p>"CBnB," chirps on of the B'Lurp Brothers, you don't know which one. "Means, 'Castle BnB'."
<p>"Thank you," you say to the B'Lurp Brother. Back on the Wizard you say, "When you say you need a favor, what kind of favor are we talking about?"
<p>"Well, you know--" starts the Wizard before you interrupt.
<p>"Because I'm not going to do anything weird. Just so we're on the same page. I'm not into Wizard stuff," you realize you said that weird, but he looks like he got it.
<p>"Wizard stuff?" he says. You notice the change in his face when he connects the dots. "Wait, you think I'm a wizard?"
<p>You nod in the affirmative.
<p>“I’m not a wizard, you butt-whacker,” says the Wizard. “Do I look like a wizard to you?”
(align:"==>")[[[Next Page->The Wizard Isn’t A Wizard]]]
<p>You remember what S'Norch said back in the Torch Makers Tent.
<p>*"That stuff will burn through iron! And also make you incredibly handsome, especially to Elf Princesses with long legs and longer hair," she said.*
<p>That might not be exactly what she said, but that's how you remember it. Memory is a fidgety thing.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Previous->Tell him you know where the Chirp Cheep is]]
<p>You remember what S'Norch said back in the Torch Makers Tent.
<p>*"That stuff will burn through iron! And also make you smell very nice, especially to Elf Princesses looking to make their parents mad," she said.*
<p>That might not be exactly what she said, but that's how you remember it. Memory is a fidgety thing.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Previous->Keep your stupid trap shut]] <p>You remember what S'Norch said back in the Torch Makers Tent.
<p>*"That stuff will burn through iron! And also make you incredibly charming, especially to Elf Princes who were roused from their kingdoms with only hair conditioner and their six-pack abs," she said.*
<p>That might not be exactly what she said, but that's how you remember it. Memory is a fidgety thing.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->The Wizard Makes you Comfortable]]
(text-style:"bold")[*GOBLINS*]
---
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[HISTORY:]
According to lore, the Wizard Flizznitch created Orcs while in the service of the Dark Lord B'ob. The Dark Lord B'ob needed a cheap, disposable army, while he searched for the Scepter of Tartarus, whatever that is.
The Orcs proved to be unreliable, dimwitted, and smellier than anyone expected them to be. The Dark Lord B'ob was displeased and Flizznitch was placed on a performance plan. That meant he would not be getting a merit increase that year and he could kiss his dream of owning a boat goodbye.
Flizznitch gave it another try using everything he learned from creating the Orcs, and then produced the Goblins.
Whatever he learned from the Orcs he immediately forgot because Goblins and Orcs ended up being virtually identical. Maybe he should have been put on the performance review after all.
By this point, Filzznitch had had enough. You can only push a morally ambiguous Wizard so far before he snaps. He used all of his magical powers to banish the Dark Lord B'ob to the Nightrealms.
Out from under the thumb of the Dark Lord B'ob, Flizznitch released the Goblins into the world and updated his resume accordingly. The Wizard fell into legend and was never seen again.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[GOBLIN BADLANDS:]
Once free, the Goblins headed West and took up residence in what is now known as the Goblin Badlands, a desolate desert full of cool caves and weird geography and beutiful sunsets. Obviously, their first order of business was build a printing press and start selling postcards.
(text-style:"underline")+(text-style:"bold")[GOBLIN CULTURE:]
Goblins mostly cool guys who keep to themselves, but will do just about anything to make a buck. Or if there's a King with a thumb up his butt about a mysterious prophesy and whatnot. There's a lot of money to be made when a King has a thumb up his butt about something.
Every solstice, the Goblin Badlands host the Wandering Man Festival, where Mournia's wealthy pay a premium to sing and dance and exchange diseases for thirteen days straight.
As Goblins say, "A. B. G., BB" which stands for "Always Be Goblining, BAY BEE."
(align:"==>")[[[Return to Story->Prologue]]]
"It's the opposite of a Time Machine."
(align:"==>")[-The Entirety of the Anti-Time Machine White Papers]
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story->The Future 2]](text-style:"bold")[*GOBHALLA*]
---
It's basically Valhalla...
... for Goblins.
(align:"==>")[[Return to your flashbacks->Underworld Flashbacks]] A cursed human who transforms into a yak on the full moon. They are known to terrorize the countryside by eating low grasses, mooing, and occasionally taking up employment as a pack animal.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story|Voices in the Dark]]<p>You remember that morning in the Torch Makers Tent. S'Norch was tending to something while you were having a literal and metaphorical meltdown (it's fine).
<p>*"…even the small things have meaning you handsome jerk," she said. "And everything is connected, V'Lhargh. Everything is connected to everything else. It's how life works, man. It's just selfish to think you're operating alone in the universe, no matter how handsome you are."*
<p>She's right, you are handsome.
<p>You look over at S’Norch has her pet Chirp Cheep, a mouse-sized creature that’s both boneless and skinless and has too many teeth for its mouth. It looks like a demented child's drawing that came to life.
<p>That thing gives you the creeps.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story|Step into the Time Pod and try to save the future]]
<p>You remember that morning in the Torch Makers Tent. S'Norch was tending to something while you were having a literal and metaphorical meltdown (it's fine).
<p>*"…even the small things have meaning," she said. "And everything is connected, V'Lhargh. Everything is connected to everything else. We're all pieces of a giant machine, destined to perform our roles together. You affect me. I affect Prince Chirp Cheep. It's just how life works, man. It's just selfish to think you're operating alone in the universe, no matter how gorgeous you are."*
<p>She's right, you are gorgeous. Your nose could use some work though.
<p>You remember her pet Chirp Cheep, the mouse-sized creature that’s boneless and skinless and has too many teeth for its mouth. It looks like a demented child's drawing you saw pinned to a cubicle wall in the Underworld that came to life.
<p>That thing gives you the creeps.
(align:"==>")[[Return to Story|Step into the Time Pod 1]]
<p>Nah. It's just a stupid little animal in a dress. What harm could it possibly do?
<p>S'Norch steps out of the tent with a fully loaded Torch Cart.
<p>"C'mon V'Largh, let's get moving," she says, "the Horde is marching through vampire country tonight, we'll need lots of torches to keep the vampires at bay."
<p>"Yeah...I'll be right there," you say, watching the Chirp Cheep bound after S'Norch and her cart.
<p>You're sure it's fine. Wait a second, vampires?
(align:"==>")[(if: (random: 1,100) <= 99)[[[Next Page->Ten Thousand Years Later...]]](else:)[[[Next Page->The End]]]]<p>You snap out of it. That weird wizard got into your head. It's been a long day already.
<p>S'Norch emerges from the tent with a fully loaded Torch Cart.
<p>"C'mon V," she says, "these torches aren't going to sell themselves."
<p>"Yeah...I'll be right there," you say, watching the Chirp Cheep bound after S'Norch and her cart.
<p>You're sure it's fine.
(align:"==>")[(if: (random: 1,100) <= 99)[[[Next Page->Ten Thousand Years Later...]]](else:)[[[Next Page->The End]]]]